The Curse of Coffee
by Blonde Ravenclaw
Summary: What happens when Hogwart students get in contact with coffee. A mini series of oneshots. Funny to me and quite random. You've been warned... Hiatus.
1. The Curse of Coffee

I had to get this off my chest. Don't kill me. It happens during fifth year.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, okay?

**Harry Potter and the Curse of the Coffee **

Harry Potter was so bored. He was the only one in the common room. Hermione was in her spastic OWL's mode so she was probably drowning herself in books in the library. Ron was in the Hospital Wing because he was thinking too much. Poor Ron… And well everyone else, who cares?

His stomach growled. _Great_ now he was bored and hungry. A trip to the kitchens was necessary. Maybe Dobby had coffee. Harry couldn't remember the last time he had a taste of the roasted goodness. He forgot it was because he absolutely goes off the deep end temporally an hour after. Oh well…

An hour after he begged Dobby for a large cup of coffee and chocolate his eyes suddenly went very, _very_wide.

* * *

"What's the matter, mate?" Ron asked. It was not normal for his best friend's eyes to randomly enlarge to the size of dinner plates… right..? His brain still hurt from Hermione's last group study session. Ow...

"Nothing… What makes you say that, oh bestest fwiend of mine?" Harry **chirped**. Harry Potter does not chirp. Maybe he was on crack or something. Ron wondered if he would share.

"What are you on…?"

Harry looked down at the ground and chirped (again) "The floor!"

This was too much for Ron. He quickly ran off to find a professor or Hermione.

* * *

Harry skipped along the dreary floor of the dungeons. He absently hummed "Followed the Yellow Brick Road" under his breath.

He suddenly got an evil idea…

"_Factus croceus_!" (Become yellow) Suddenly the whole hallway became a bright cheerful yellow. Harry cackled and ran off.

* * *

Draco Malfoy wandered into the dungeons and briskly turned around at the yellow because he thought he went the wrong way…

* * *

Ron and Hermione were now on an insane Harry Potter hunt.

Harry had already attacked the dungeons by the bright, cheerful color the hall now was.

The two friends exchanged looks and continued on their hunt.

* * *

Harry had _somehow_ got into the Chamber of Secrets in his state of mind. "It's too dreary."

Harry didn't find it odd that he was talking to himself.

_Somehow_ he got into the part the basilisk came from. Inside was a dark, dreary room in greens and silvers. With a wave of his wand and a cry of some weird enchantment, the room became a color scheme of neonpink and acidorange.

Harry ran off out of the Chamber and Myrtle's bathroom, while making the loo the same color scheme as the Chamber.

* * *

Hermione and Ron groaned when they entered Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Ron actually covered his eyes and the neon color scheme.

An off-key voice that could be identified as Harry's screamed, "Off to the kitchen I go, go, go! Off to the Kitchen I GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Blimey… What **is he on?**" Ron muttered.

The Harry Hunter's ran off to the kitchens in hope of catching their frenzied friend.

* * *

When they entered the kitchens, Mione and Ron didn't expect Harry begging Dobby for **more** sugar and coffee. So that's what was wrong with him…

Hermione rolled her eyes and cast a sleeing spell on her caffeine-high friend.

After making sure Harry wasn't going to wake up soon, Hermione and Ron went to Professor Dumbledore's office to tell him to see if he could stop the elves from giving Harry caffeine.

Dumbledore laughed and told them it would all be taken care of.

**THE END **

**Or is it…? **


	2. The Curse of Coffee II

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter! Why would I?**

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* * *

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**The Curse of the Coffee II: The Coffee's Revenge! **

Harry was angry. He wasn't allowed to have coffee! He doesn't get **that** affected. Does he?

* * *

Meanwhile, in an unknown evil place, a certain madman we all know and lurve was plotting. 

Draco Malfoy sent his father a quite detailed story of how coffee affected the Boy-Who-Wouldn't-Bloody-Die.

Lucius had almost immediately showed Voldemort.

It gave Voldemort a grand, evil idea that no one could stop.

He was going to have one of the Death Eater's children cast the Imperius on a house-elf and force it to slip coffee into Potter's normal milk. Potter _always_ drank milk with breakfast. Don't ask why he knew that... Being sucked into the brat's brain to many times made him learn those little things that no one cared about.

Anywho...

It was ingenious!

Voldemort threw back his head and gave an evil laugh that was so very evil that evil itself thougt it was evil.

Soon, Hogwarts was going to be defenseless due to its Golden Boy's condition!

* * *

The next morning at 1:23 A.M., Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini snuck into the kitchens after finding out you entered it by tickling the pear. Seriously, a pear? How un-pureblooded of them! 

"Imperio." Draco muttered as the spell hit his old house elf, Dobby.

"Put this in the Gryffindor table's milk, you filthy cretin."

Zabini handed the insane house elf a rather large container of pure espresso.

The house elf took it and poured it into one of four grand containers of milk.

Zabini and Malfoy exchanged looks.

Within a minute, all the milk in the container was a steamy, brown liquid.

The boys enchanted it to appear to be milk while it really was coffee with a LOT of cream and sugar.

Hopefully, no one would notice. They were targeting lions, they were known for being stupid!

Now if they listened to their lord better, they would know to only put it in Potter's milk. Oh well, every house but Ravenclaw was stupid… Even that wasn't a given.

* * *

Later when most sane people where up for breakfast, the Gryffs were in for a surprise. 

Harry Potter was the first to notice. The milk tasted like really good espresso with way too much sugar and cream.

He didn't say anything, but quickly drank six glasses of the odd drink set before him.

Many other Gryffindors also noticed but didn't say anything because coffee was banned at their table during their parents' time due to some group of boys known as the Marauders. Weird name…

In fact the only person that didn't notice was Hermione Granger. She was lactose intolerant so obviously didn't drink milk. She could eat chocolate for some reason though… Maybe she faked it when she was younger to get out of drinking milkand it became a habit?

In conclusion, all of Gryffindor—except for the future Head Girl—was high on caffeine and no teachers knew it. Yet...

* * *

Unfortunately for Snape, he had potions with the Fifth Year Gryffindors and Slytherins… 

Poor, poor Snape… Actually, I hate him. He deserves it.

As the students came in, Snape couldn't help but notice most of the imbecilic lions were _bouncing_ into his dungeon and in their seat. The only one not bouncing like some ball was the Know-It-All mudblood.

Potter suddenly boinged up to his desk and chirped, "Hi Sevvie! Do you want to be my friend? I wanna be yours if you wash your hair! I even got you soap!"

The boy he loathed handed him a bottle of muggle shampoo.

"Mr. Potter, do you not know drugs aren't allowed in this learning establishment? Ten points from Gryffindor for disrespect and coming to class high."

"But Harry not on drugs! It not Harry fault milk tasted like coffee this morning! Me like coffee! Do you like coffee?"

"Sit down, Potter."

Potter sat down on the floor and looked up at him innocently.

"In your chair."

"Oh!"

The insane Golden Boy hopped into his chair by doing a back flip.

He saw Miss Granger look at her friend in confusion. 'So it's **not** normal for the brat to show off by doing some fancy move into his chair?'

Snape swooped up to the front of the classroom.

Mr. Weasley was playing something with Potter that seemed to involve the two boys clapping their hands with the others. Why did they just say "Patty cake, patty cake"?

"Today, we are making an extremely explosive potion that involves no messing around or it will explode. The directions are on the board, you may work alone or with a partner. Begin."

Oddly enough, Granger opted to work alone.

Looking around the room, he didn't blame her. All her housemates were acting like they were high on only Merlin-knows-what.

Potter and Weasley were looking at their potion with awe.

Snape picked that moment to go up to their desk and stare at them intimidatingly so they mess up and he gets to punish them.

"Hi Sevvie!" Potter once again chirped.

"Isn't our potion pretty, Sevvie?" Weasley asked this time.

Was there something really in the Gryffindor's milk today?

Snape thought no more about it by ten synchronized explosions from the Gryffindor side of the room.

Snape looked down at the potion below him. It was a sickly pink.

Snape had just enough time to acknowledge this before it blew up in his face.

"Everyone out!"

All the students scrambled out of the room.

* * *

The Gryffindors then had Transfiguration when their extra time was up. The extra time was spent re-decoration the dungeons pink and neon green with blue accents. 

McGonagall didn't notice the mindset of the class before her when they arrived in class. All they were doing were snickering to each other after all.

"Today, we will be turning goblets to ravens, it is complex and you will be graded on how well you do."

She sat down and momentarily closed her eyes.

She dozed off for fifteen minutes until a heavy weight landed on her head.

Looking up, she saw a **pink** raven sitting on her head.

Minerva looked at her classroom. It was chaos…

There were ten birds doing some weird muggle line dance. Every bird was in a different color. The pink one flew off her head and joined in.

A neon green raven pooped on the floor and all the others followed.

The Slytherins were just sitting there with their mouths wide open.

She turned to the Gryffindor side.

Potter and Weasley seemed to be trying to get Granger to have her bird join in. Alas, Granger had the only normal raven on that side of the room.

Potter suddenly giggled as a raven—she assumed was his—blew up into confetti.

"Potter!"

"Yesh…?"

"Why did your raven explode?"

Potter looked around suspiciously.

"The neon gerbils told me to. They are my superiors!"

The normally stern Professor Minerva McGonagall lost it with that statement.

"What are you talking about, Potter?" exasperation heavy in her tone.

"Flying monkeys from Tibet!" Longbottom chirped.

"Flying monkeys rock!" screamed half of her house's Sixth Years.

Minerva had enough and fire-called the headmaster.

* * *

At first sight, Dumbledore went back to his office to check on the other Gryffindor classes. They were all out of their minds except Miss Hermione Granger. 

Dumbledore ordered his staff to get the Gryffindors and lock them in the common room until the calm down.

The only Gryffindor attending all of the classes that day was a confused Hermione.

How did this happen again?

* * *

Voldemort was fuming. The stupid brats screwed up by spiking all of the milk instead of just Potter's! They would pay! 

Said brats walked in proudly.

"Draco, Blaise, please do me a favor and put these on and stand in front of this camera."

He handed the boys two pink robes only Lockhart or the old fool would wear.

Humilliation was sweet when working with the arrogant...

* * *


End file.
